Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Where Am I?

That's a good question right?  Where am I?  I'm sure you have been wondering what has been going on since I have been super slack on the blog posts....well the truth is...

I honestly don't know where I am, or who I am.  I'm 100% stuck in a rut and I cannot manage to get out.  It sucks actually. 

Never did I think that at 34 years old, I would still be asking myself "What do I want to be when I grow up?"  much less not being able to answer it.

It's not that I don't like my job, and it's not just my job, I just don't know.  I have always struggled with the work vs. stay at home Mom options (I act like it's an option) but I'm pretty sure stay at home isn't right for me either.  I would love to plan play dates and take my kids to the library, Children's Museum, shoot, even take them with me to the doctor (yep, I'm weird like that...are you just realizing?) but I also love my work time with adult company and that feeling that I am contributing and solving problems.

I guess it's hitting me know, because I know the kids are growing up....they won't want to go on play dates and the library, and the Children's museum much longer and I feel like I'm missing out.  I want to see their face when they leave for school every morning, and see their face when they get home.  I want to be the one they run to, telling me all about their day....but now, by the time I see them (6-7 pm) they don't remember what they did that day.  I want to do homework, and struggle trying to figure out how to get one kid one place and the other in the complete opposite direction (remember the weird part?).

Somehow, I just can't find a place for me....where do I fit what exactly is it that I'm supposed to do?

I've never fully proclaimed myself in a profession, I've always landed somewhere and made that work, my first job in high school, I worked at for 3 years (after I completely rearranged my summer schedule to be able to maintain that job) then I got a part time job in college, and guess what - 15 years later, I'm still here.  There is nothing wrong with my job, and what I do, so I feel weird (yep, again) even having these thoughts but they are there and I can no longer ignore them.  I just don't know what it is I'm destined to do, and maybe this is it....but at 34 I have had a total of 3 jobs in my life, one in high school, the one I'm in now, and a small part time job at the YMCA (while still working here).  I've always thought about becoming a teacher since I have a huge passion for kids and school supplies (yep, that weird thing again) but I'm just not sure I have what it takes.

How do I explain to my kids what they need to do so they can achieve their dreams and be what they want to be when they grow up, if I don't even know my own?

1 comment:

Lauren said...

Amy, this is a conversation I have with Tom all the time. I know I don't want to stay at home (love my kids but they would drive me bananas), but I feel awful to miss out on so much. And I have a great job, but I just sort of fell into it. At what point am I too old to ask the question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?". So tough, but nice to know I am not the only one!!