Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The Struggle

Have you missed me?  I have been gone for awhile....and I've hated it.  I just had to step away though.  EVERYTHING had gotten crazy and I felt like I was being pulled in 100 different directions.  I would go one way in hopes it would help get me back on point only to find out that that way ended with 100 more directions.  I had to let go of something, and at that point it was the blog (and a lot more that you guys didn't see).

I fully expected to go all gung ho after Christmas which got pushed to after New Years which got pushed to now.

I put all these crazy expectations on myself that I eventually just gave up because I felt like I had failed when in reality I was expecting the impossible.

I want to be the best, the biggest, the top of everything and well that's not always possible, nor is it important.  I take the simplest thing and analyze it back to it's beginning features or further if possible.  For example...I don't run to the store to by my kids a pair of jeans....I look online at EVERY store I have access to so I can find out who has what styles at what price.  Then I go to the store, to buy, AFTER, I have researched the best coupons for that store.  So instead of running into Old Navy to buy the $10 jeans, I go to Crazy 8's to buy the $7.99 jeans with a 20% off coupon.  So in just 2 hours (minimum, cuz then I get sidetracked looking at the dresses or coats) I've saved us $3.61.  Yep, my time is worth a heck of a lot more than $3.61.

I just felt stuck, not sure what to do which way to turn.  I felt like I could not get anything accomplished, my mind was racing 100 times a second and in 500 different directions.  I couldn't focus.  I had a running list in my head, at work I need to do this, at home I need to do this, O needs this, B was missing this, I need to post this on the blog, oh crap I forgot to do this.  NONSTOP.  Sleep...what is sleep?  I would stay up staring at the computer or TV in a trance just so I didn't relax to fall asleep to remember ALL the things that I had not completed or pushed to the side.  Then of course the next day I was tired and not to my full potential.  It was a vicious vicious cycle to say the least.

With all of that going on I had myself surrounded by people who were negative.  They were mad at the world, nothing was good enough or right....and it gets contagious.  I caught myself complaining about how much people were complaining.  They didn't care about things so why should I.  Well that's all great until you go to lay down at night and realize that you really do care and realized that you shouldn't have put something off because it didn't fit in what YOU wanted to do at that time.

So even though some of the things I want may be unattainable or impossible.  I'm not giving up, I'm not walking away.  I will still try to be the best at what I do, but with a bit more flexibility and reason.  I am trying to stay organized, and writing to do lists at home, work, everywhere so I can make sure I prioritize and accomplish.  I am setting attainable goals (and a few dream goals just in case) and I'm getting my fight back!  I'm doing my best to ignore the unpleasables and trying to turn their negativity to positives.

So, the struggle, it's never ending and constantly changing, but I am not letting it suffocate me any longer...I'm fighting back and eventually I will win.

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